[SATIRE] Touching Grass: The Next Most Important Thing?

KLONDIKE, CP Army Headquarters – If you’re reading this post, you’ve probably never touched grass in your life, and you won’t be touching grass soon after the release of this post. You probably don’t even know what even grass is. This is probably the most asked question in our community today, and in this post, we bring you the answer.

 DISCLAIMER: This post contains the author’s opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of CP Army Headquarters or the wider community.

So, what is touching grass?

“Touch grass” is an insulting way of telling someone to ‘go outside,’ implying that they’re spending too much time playing with penguins (that includes you). If you headed to the CPAHQ general chat, you’d see people tell each other to touch grass every day. That’s very hypocritical if you ask me. Our community consists of many exciting individuals who haven’t even left their rooms in the past three years. Scientific research from CPAHQ has shown that 99% of the CPA community does not touch grass. Other studies show that over 50% of the community has forgotten the look of grass.

There are quite a few people out there who seem to be too old for the community and are still in it for some reason. Most believe that’s why the term “Touch grass” has become so popular. Most of today’s army leaders are people in their 20s, still “wasting their life for a penguin game.” As human beings, we all need some time outside of our penguin lives, doing things out there in the world, having some productivity. But, that is unfortunately precisely what most of us here lack.

touching grass leaders

Average CP army leader

So, why has this topic of touching grass become so important?

Basically, since so many people in the army community haven’t gone outside for the past three years, many of us have found this internet term to be quite valuable, despite the hypocrisy. It’s come to the point where “not touching grass” is part of the army community. Many of us have nothing better to do, so we tell each other to touch grass. It sounds pretty simple.

What should we do about this?

As human beings, we should have some productivity in our lives, maybe a hobby or fun activity. Something that could get us going outside and experiencing the real world, rather than doing nothing, observing the drama going on in the community. We should also focus less on others, focusing more on our actions, making us less hypocritical, and bringing the community a better outcome.

So, is touching grass important in the army community? I think it is, yet none of us do it. What’s the moral of this story? If you are reading this post, make sure you close this post right now and touch grass outside of that cardboard box you call “your room.”

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