ALASKA, Outside Wynn’s Basement – I joined the organization fifteen days ago, with the goal of helping Wynn and Max to maintain the highest level of professionalism and integrity in producing neutral news articles. It is with utmost regret that I must inform you today of the failure of CPA in upholding its true purpose.
WARNING: This is a serious post. You should totally take it seriously.
LIVE: This is an ongoing issue. We will keep adding information to this article as we receive it.
Time and again, people have asked this as a question in our organizations’ general chat. Finally, I have recently come across real evidence to support the claim that “CPA has lost its true purpose”. This news will probably be a great source of excitement for some of the most goated individuals of our community. Respected Community Members, I regret to inform you that the Club Penguin Armies organization is nothing but a way for CPA Admin Wynn to trap people in her basement.
EVIDENCE OF CPA BECOMING WYNN’S BASEMENT
The admission of guilt in the first screenshot took place in the newly created BASEDment Demons’ Discord server. Readers with an decent IQ might notice that Wynn uses the word “too” in her sentence. This is because it is not Wynn’s first time causing a basement imprisonment scandal. Let us take a look at her past crimes, while we wait for more information regarding this incident.
HISTORY OF WYNN’S BASEMENT
It all began in 2022, when Wynn led the Help Force. Unsure of how to permanently retain army locals, she decided to start trapping them in her basement, in order to inflate HF’s maxes in tournaments and important events. Such questionable practices occuring on part of an administrator is a dead giveaway that the CPA organization has truly deviated from its purpose. This is really even more horrendous than the typical corrupt community leaders who indulge in shady practices like doxxing.
The inhuman basement claimed its first victim in Sanya, a former member of ACP HCOM. Sanya spent the entire duration of Wynn’s HF leadership in the dark basement. Canned corn was the only available food. Moreover, Wynn regularly forced Sanya to cook large quantities of curry, which she then used to entice troops at AUSIA events.
All this information has come to light without an in-depth investigation. One can only imagine the horrors that would be unveiled if an Editor were to sacrifice the life of a Reporter by sending them to Wynn’s Basement on a suicide mission to collect inside information. Of course, our benevolent editors would never do such a thing! So I went ahead and did it.
Our Insider Reporter MadsCW3 has put together a list of crimes committed by Chief Executive Producer Wynn, as known to us:
- Using the fake news organization CPANHQ to trap army members in her basement.
- Forcing them to eat canned corn for months.
- Forcing them to not eat anything else.
- Forcing CPA Staff to attend “Game Nights” and play a game called “TEE K.O.”, which in reality is a sweatshop.
- Existing as a corrupt CPA Admin.
- Existing as a CPA Admin.
The CPA Media Team managed to track down a few survivors of Wynn’s Basement. Here’s what they had to say regarding this disgusting practice:
Sanya, Got Into Several Moped Accidents: It’s known as one of the darkest places in the world, the only light that comes out is from Wynn’s computer screen and it reminds me of the sun. Wynn’s computer screen is brighter than her future…
Jakuba, HF local: I had to hire a professional to wipe my memories. I don’t know anything about Wynn’s basement now, and I don’t want to know tyvm.
As per tradition, we at CPA believe in giving individuals a chance to defend themselves during scandals. Wynn was offered this chance, but she instead chose to let some third party witnesses serve as her defense. One might presume she is too busy burying further evidence, but of course, an honest CPA Admin wouldn’t do something like that, would they? Hint: they totally would.
JonathanJohnJohnson, CPA Comic Stripper: Wynn’s Basement is pretty cool I guess.
Snowy, Retired Satire Expert: Wynn’s basement? The same basement she paid me yesterday to not talk about? That basement? I can tell you what it’s not: illegal or dangerous. There’s no illicit food ring going on downthere or hostage harboring or any very large collections of expose documents.
CPA Media Team: We’ll pay you double of whatever Wynn paid you to reveal the information.
Snowy, Burned Her Own Office(?!): It’s crazy down there. She’s been stealing food from staff and then selling it back to them at an outrageous price, and when I found out about it she threatened to burn down my office. I burned it down myself after retiring but that’s not the point
In light of the recently unveiled evidence, the only solution that would save this community would be relieving Wynn of her duties and instating Calgo as the next Chief Executive Producer. This will save the community because of Calgo’s tendency to write copious amount of words for no reason at all, providing fuel for further news reports similar to this one from your beloved team of reporters.